How To Break The Fall

             How, how do I break this fall I'm in? How do I save whats left of me? I don't want to crash and be shattered to pieces, but I also cannot stay in this state. A change must come, I must find a way to better catch myself. You see, today I saw each day as a path set out before us, with gaping holes that went down, and down, for unknown distances. I just know that when you fell into one, it was like free falling straight out of the sky. The way I see this is, each hole is one of those choices I've spoken of in the past blogs. This is simply another perception on the subject, if you would, a second aspect to it all.

           As you go about your day, you proceed with your responsibilities, the mandatory things. As time goes bye, chances to do good, and evil present themselves. What you do with these chances is very important. You can make a wrong decision at any point, but realize it in the early stages, before your too far down a wrong path, and "break the fall". For instance, just the other day I started to drink with some friends, well, as I was drinking I realized that I probably should not be doing this. I stopped, put down my beer, and gave what I had left away. I broke the fall, granted initially I did choose wrong, but I did not stay in that decision, and at this stage of my life, I consider that a huge success! I fell into a hole that day, I was free falling into the depths of my folly, but I saw my mistake, reached out, caught hold of something, and climbed out before I was to deep in. I know I must take baby steps if I plan on surviving this transformation back to who I once was, I must count whatever I can possibly see as a success, as just that, success. I cannot allow myself to get discouraged when I choose wrong initially, but must find encouragement when I realize it early on, and choose to reverse what was started. This is what I'm trying to get across, in the early stages of trying to turn ones life around, many times, when opportunity for wrong presents itself, initially, out of habit, and in the moment, you will be down for it. But as you proceed in your actions, you will undoubtedly receive a check in your spirit, you will hear that voice telling you that you probably shouldn't be doing this. You have to know, the fact that your flesh was to weak is to be expected, don't get discouraged over this. You must heed that voice and stop yourself! If this is done, then you have a victory against yourself. With each time you do this, you will become stronger, and, eventually, by the grace of God, you'll arrive at the place where your flesh is the small voice begging you to falter, and the Braveheart within will be what is on the forefront controlling your day to day actions.

            Getting to this place is not easy, I myself am not there yet by a long shot, but I see these small victories I'm winning daily, cutting my cigarette in half after lighting it up cause I hear a voice say I don't need it, putting down that beer I just cracked open, not texting that girl back after starting the conversation cause I know where it will lead. All those are victories, baby steps I tell myself. Don't expect yourself to be able to be the perfect person instantly, you'll set yourself up for discouragement then failure, you'll give up on yourself. I know, I've been there numerous times. In the past I tried to change, and I would see myself still wanting to do these worldly things, and I would think wow, your the same piece of crap you were, this is hopeless. Then I'd just jump head first back into it all cause I couldn't be content with small victories in the beginning. I wanted to do a 180 turn all of a sudden and expect my whole make up to change in a flash. Unfortunately its not that easy, if it was there would be no reason for grace. There is a price to pay, and a war to wage. Except this, and find your encouragement in anything you can, someday, you will arrive at the place you want to be, if you can stay the course, and be content with winning the small battles in the beginning. Do you think God would ask more of you than small battles when your so weak, so raw? How can you expect to do anything more? Who do you think you are to be angry at yourself over your inability to be perfect? Anyone who thinks they can change whenever, no problem, is a fool, bound for failure, until eventually, something like what has happened to me, comes around and slaps them awake in a rude way.

        My hopes is this will encourage those who share my shoes, my journey. Maybe this next weekend, when you go out to a party or something, when you get there, you'll realize that you don't belong there. You'll heed the small voice, and just go watch a movie or something, "break the fall". Every time you do this, the voice will become stronger, and more confident, until eventually, it drowns out this crazy world. We are all in a journey, we each have our own battles, don't compare yourself to someone who is well ahead of you, its not a wrong thing that they are. If I tried to live like my Father does right now, an accomplished pastor and strong christian for more than my lifetime, I'd live in discouragement. Baby steps, be content with your small battles, fight them with honor, and God will slowly bring the big ones your way. God will never ask something of you, you cant do. So stop being a pansy, man up, and finish. haha, that last bit is more for me than anyone by the way.   I personally cannot wait to see where this new mentality will take me. I long for the day when I can stand by my Father and play ball with the grown ups, fight the big battles. I cant wait til I'm in a place where I can leave my introverted ways, and reach out to others, and be able to help because of the place I'm in. I'm by no means strong enough for that at this point. The days not here yet, but until then, I am content with these skirmishes with myself. And once I have given myself a solid beat down, then, hopefully I'll be able to reach out too a struggling soul, and help guide them to solid ground, like my Fathers done for so many, through the grace of God.  Ha, once again this is me just chasing my thoughts of late, hopefully someone, somewhere can take something of this for themselves. Thanks for reading.

Wake Up Before You Break Down

Why do we stumble blindly on when we feel disaster ahead? Why do we turn away from the evident truths in our lives? All these are extremely relevent questions we should ask ourselves. This is why I'm writing this, in hopes of opening someone else's eyes too what they're doing too themselves before a rude wake up comes.

             Who would think that a pastors son, who was at one point very involved in his church, led a small group, and was a key part in Sunday morning service worship, would be handcuffed on the side of the road, and put into a cop car. Not me, I was in complete shock as I looked out the back window of a cop car. Can this be happening? Did my luck really finally run out? Were my choices finally having consequences? Yes indeed. I instantly began asking God how he could let this happen to me, someone with so much potential if I ever turned my life around. How could he let me ruin so much and lose the fake front I had established of being such a good behaving young man? Maybe too wake me up, to a reality I wasn't before willing to except. I, Josiah Atchley, am a jacked up mess, incapable of good on my own accord.

           Little did I know, that after downing a bottle of Crown Royal, and smoking a joint of spice on my way too Wal Mart, that disaster would strike. As we drove to wal mart, completely messed up on all different forms of substances, me and my friend noticed his increasing inability to drive properly. He decided to pull over into a car lot and park. As he pulled into the space, he pulled in too far and crashed into the building, breaking out a glass pane and scaring all the people inside. At seeing this, he freaked out, not being in a right state of mind,  and threw the car in reverse attempting to escape. He sped in reverse back onto the highway, striking three more vehicles, flying over the median, across three more lanes or traffic, through a ditch, and into a fence. We sat there in astonishment, the whole thing felt surreal. I waited, expecting to wake up from a bad dream, it never happened. I was arrested, and taken to jail on a possession charge. My mind raced on how my game was finally up, how bad my actions and the news of this would hurt my family, and all those who loved and supported me back home. I was ashamed. The earlier question of how could God let this happen, in reality should be a statement, thank God no one was hurt, and I made it out with now injury.

      This is something that could of been avoided so easily, with simply the strength too make the right choices. I had told my Father that very morning that I was going to quit drinking, smoking, and all those sorts of things. I even told my room mates, telling them that I was trying too better myself and get back on the right track. It comes down to this, the idea was presented to go out with one final bang and party it up that night. I told myself yeah, why not. One last time. There is where it all began. NEVER tell yourself one last time, it never works. Truth be told I've lost count on how many times I've spoken those words to myself, "One last time."  in reality, that saying is the same as I'll do it tomorrow, if you allow yourself to say that, then the "one last time" will never come. Don't be a fool and continue in something you know will bring self destruction by telling yourself you'll change someday. It wont happen.   I've changed and relapsed, change and relapsed in and out of the christian lifestyle so many times I've about lost count now. I remember thinking countless times before, when will my time run up, when will all this inconsistency catch up too me. The day had finally come.

           Point in case, wake up! Before you break down. Refuse to continue in a way you know is wrong. Tell yourself, "No, I will not." No more one more times. We all mess up, but there comes a day when second chances run dry, and getting off easy is unrealistic. You do not want to come to this place. With every choice presented you, take time too think where giving into something may lead you. There is no path in life that comes to an end voluntarily, every choice leads to an opportunity too continue farther in a set direction. You choose wrong, and it's easier to choose wrong again the next time. Eventually what your into becomes worse and worse, too the point of you not being able too recognize who you've become. You choose right, and you will lead yourself further and further away from a hard lifestyle full of mistakes and regrets. The beer will never say no, you cant have me anymore, the cigarettes will never say na, not gonna burn today, and the women who have ruined themselves will never stop giving into their insecurities. There comes a time when you yourself must say no. Cut and dry. It would behoove you too begin so as of time now. The sooner the better, wake up! You don't want to end up like me, saying yes, yes, until life decides too stop you itself. I was given ample opportunities for change on a million different occasions, I blew one too many off, and paid a heavy price for it. Listen and heed these words, for it may very well save you from disaster and heartache that lies in wait just around the next decision.

     Good news:  By the grace of God, no matter how many times we fail, all is forgiven and washed clean in the blood of Jesus. By the grace of God and God alone, will we ever stand in this crazy world. The good in this situation is that I came to the end of myself, I realized how messed up I was, and how try thou I may, I could never succeed in changing myself. Finally, I reached out for help, and was received with loving arms,  in spite of my failures and shortcomings. God will give me the strength to make the right choices, even after I had destroyed my own strengths by succumbing too the temptations of this world, He stands in the gap for me. I tried to take on this world in my own strength, and was crushed. Finally I cried out for help and have been rescued. Now, too turn the tides and charge head on at all that had defeated me in the past. I'm told stand strong, follow me and no harm will come too you, but through me, you will destroy all that has ever caused you too stumble. This promise feels my heart with excitement. I'm still very much a work in progress, my story is yet too be completed, and failure, no doubt lays in wait for me. Can I stay strong? Can I deny myself that which I've trained myself too crave? I am full of fear as I proceed forward with my attempt at recovery. Afraid of failing my family yet again, afraid of once again relapsing into my worldly habits, but one must start somewhere, and sometime. There's never a better time than now..... Failure is no longer an option, "one more time" will no longer present itself too me. The braveheart is now beating within me, don't let it die, don't let it die.
   

Conflict

Conflict, I'm always encountering conflict in my head. Due too me living a double life for so long, acting one way around my family, and doing a complete switch when among friends. I've completely lost my grasp of who I am, and what is right. I have become numb to what is right and wrong, and oblivious of what in life hurts, or helps me. I cannot decide which direction to take, though both options bring a distaste, they both also offer so much "good". I know my hearts desire, yet my mind screams out something different. How can one live in peace with such conflict always raging within. I haven't figured it out. A different side of me wins each different day it seems, causing confusion for my friends, family, and myself. Creating a fear of committing too either in full, for fear of falling off one lifestyle, back into the other, and disappointing either your friends, or your family.           


          At what point does one become his own man, above the influence, above the pull of society, free to be exactly what he'd envisioned himself as a child. When I look at myself, and compare me to myself when I was young, pure at heart, and free spirited with endless options ahead of me. The contrast is too the extreme. I can see the distaste and concern in my younger self's eyes as I look at who I've become. Knowing that yeah, it was me, that little boy, who over time through his decisions placed me right here where I am today. Knowing for a fact that I would never of dreamed of being who I've become. Wow. What can one do to get back to that place of innocence! How do I redeem myself to myself! It's mind boggling to me really, too see that with every wrong decision, I put myself one step further from who I am, was, and want to be. I disappoint the child in me, the purity in me. The voice that wants to be the warrior, who carries himself with honor, who loves one woman with a passion, and stands for so much more than just himself. I traveled far from the boy in my youth, I've journeyed outside the reach of his voice, lured by societies call. 


            All that rings in my head is, more money, women, cars, how many rules can I break and get away with, clothes, NOTHING.... All nothing, when it's all said and done, no matter how successful I've been at answering cultures call, which believe me, I'm good at. I still feel empty.  And at the end of the day, when all is calm and quiet, as I lie in my bed and all I can hear is my thoughts, with no outside influence. I can hear the child's voice rise up again inside me. Telling me to have a braveheart! To carry myself with honor, to no longer break hearts, but restore them, to no longer run from your fathers footsteps, but fall in Marine, and march with sturdy legs, strong back and outdistance all others. With tears in my eyes,  I tell myself these things with urgency of heart. I say run back to the child like purity and faith.  What do I do, try though I might, I fall, for I'm no braveheart, I'm no warrior. God gave men the desire for such things, but this culture has destroyed it to the point of almost nonexistence. 


           Why is it a shock when a man treats a woman right? When one loves only one woman and waits til marriage? When one actually lives out, and stands for his faith? When one loves his family and does not allow his friends to speak ill of them? Is this our society? It is, and I have failed in all these things and fallen for a fake picture of the good life. Truth be told, I saw societies depiction of what is cool and excepted, and performed it with flying colors. You'd be hard set to find a more sociable excepted and envied person. And for all this, I would give anything, to gain back my honor. For in my folly I failed to see how my actions stripped me of all honor. I fell away from the warrior poet I was meant to be and became an self centered egotistical man, who used all those around him as a social status boost. Using up women and throwing them to the side once I got the rep boost from them, bouncing from friend groups to the next better one till I ran them, leaving nothing but pain in my footprints.  The pages of my life's story have been filling up with shameful, disgusting things. My life's book is one I'd be ashamed to have a ten year old me to read, or my father, who taught me the opposite way from where I've run.  


                I believe everyman has a purpose, a destiny so to say. I believe mine is still hiding around the next corner of my life, the other side of my stories next page maybe. I know thou, that with every effort I make to answer the call of the child of my youth, I am one step closer to who I'm meant to be, and what I'm meant to be doing. Inspite my countless failures, the simple fact that the call for a braveheart remains alive within me, screams of a hope beyond myself. A call that comes up from something deeper than human nature, or the nature of a man. No, this is not me, why would I fight against all that society sees as my success? This one voice, the one thing alive inside every man, at least in one point of their life, what keeps us from becoming like animals involved in a self consumed life style. Is the call of the Fathers heart. Do we not all want to be like our Dad when we're young? (which just so happens to be the first thing society tries to remove from us) Truth is, we all did at some point. This entire world shares the same general concept of right and wrong, of honor and shame, ect. it all comes from one source... God. Imagine each culture from the beginning of history, each one a different small child, faced with the same choices you as an individual have, as to what is, and is not acceptable, and how with each choice one stays true. or travels away from the child's voice, sometimes out of hearing range even. You might now have a picture of what happened to this world and our societies. Just maybe, haha


This is just me chasing my thoughts where ever they led me. Hopefully its not stupid and makes a little sense.