Conflict

Conflict, I'm always encountering conflict in my head. Due too me living a double life for so long, acting one way around my family, and doing a complete switch when among friends. I've completely lost my grasp of who I am, and what is right. I have become numb to what is right and wrong, and oblivious of what in life hurts, or helps me. I cannot decide which direction to take, though both options bring a distaste, they both also offer so much "good". I know my hearts desire, yet my mind screams out something different. How can one live in peace with such conflict always raging within. I haven't figured it out. A different side of me wins each different day it seems, causing confusion for my friends, family, and myself. Creating a fear of committing too either in full, for fear of falling off one lifestyle, back into the other, and disappointing either your friends, or your family.           


          At what point does one become his own man, above the influence, above the pull of society, free to be exactly what he'd envisioned himself as a child. When I look at myself, and compare me to myself when I was young, pure at heart, and free spirited with endless options ahead of me. The contrast is too the extreme. I can see the distaste and concern in my younger self's eyes as I look at who I've become. Knowing that yeah, it was me, that little boy, who over time through his decisions placed me right here where I am today. Knowing for a fact that I would never of dreamed of being who I've become. Wow. What can one do to get back to that place of innocence! How do I redeem myself to myself! It's mind boggling to me really, too see that with every wrong decision, I put myself one step further from who I am, was, and want to be. I disappoint the child in me, the purity in me. The voice that wants to be the warrior, who carries himself with honor, who loves one woman with a passion, and stands for so much more than just himself. I traveled far from the boy in my youth, I've journeyed outside the reach of his voice, lured by societies call. 


            All that rings in my head is, more money, women, cars, how many rules can I break and get away with, clothes, NOTHING.... All nothing, when it's all said and done, no matter how successful I've been at answering cultures call, which believe me, I'm good at. I still feel empty.  And at the end of the day, when all is calm and quiet, as I lie in my bed and all I can hear is my thoughts, with no outside influence. I can hear the child's voice rise up again inside me. Telling me to have a braveheart! To carry myself with honor, to no longer break hearts, but restore them, to no longer run from your fathers footsteps, but fall in Marine, and march with sturdy legs, strong back and outdistance all others. With tears in my eyes,  I tell myself these things with urgency of heart. I say run back to the child like purity and faith.  What do I do, try though I might, I fall, for I'm no braveheart, I'm no warrior. God gave men the desire for such things, but this culture has destroyed it to the point of almost nonexistence. 


           Why is it a shock when a man treats a woman right? When one loves only one woman and waits til marriage? When one actually lives out, and stands for his faith? When one loves his family and does not allow his friends to speak ill of them? Is this our society? It is, and I have failed in all these things and fallen for a fake picture of the good life. Truth be told, I saw societies depiction of what is cool and excepted, and performed it with flying colors. You'd be hard set to find a more sociable excepted and envied person. And for all this, I would give anything, to gain back my honor. For in my folly I failed to see how my actions stripped me of all honor. I fell away from the warrior poet I was meant to be and became an self centered egotistical man, who used all those around him as a social status boost. Using up women and throwing them to the side once I got the rep boost from them, bouncing from friend groups to the next better one till I ran them, leaving nothing but pain in my footprints.  The pages of my life's story have been filling up with shameful, disgusting things. My life's book is one I'd be ashamed to have a ten year old me to read, or my father, who taught me the opposite way from where I've run.  


                I believe everyman has a purpose, a destiny so to say. I believe mine is still hiding around the next corner of my life, the other side of my stories next page maybe. I know thou, that with every effort I make to answer the call of the child of my youth, I am one step closer to who I'm meant to be, and what I'm meant to be doing. Inspite my countless failures, the simple fact that the call for a braveheart remains alive within me, screams of a hope beyond myself. A call that comes up from something deeper than human nature, or the nature of a man. No, this is not me, why would I fight against all that society sees as my success? This one voice, the one thing alive inside every man, at least in one point of their life, what keeps us from becoming like animals involved in a self consumed life style. Is the call of the Fathers heart. Do we not all want to be like our Dad when we're young? (which just so happens to be the first thing society tries to remove from us) Truth is, we all did at some point. This entire world shares the same general concept of right and wrong, of honor and shame, ect. it all comes from one source... God. Imagine each culture from the beginning of history, each one a different small child, faced with the same choices you as an individual have, as to what is, and is not acceptable, and how with each choice one stays true. or travels away from the child's voice, sometimes out of hearing range even. You might now have a picture of what happened to this world and our societies. Just maybe, haha


This is just me chasing my thoughts where ever they led me. Hopefully its not stupid and makes a little sense.